You really coming over, don't trick.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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