Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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