worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
