i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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