my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
