am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
