After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
