i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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