I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize