At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
