you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
