Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
