im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
