what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
