You smell like a Billy Joel song
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
