Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
