mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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