i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
