woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
