dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
