defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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