They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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