The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
