At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i came on her dog
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
