You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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