Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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