We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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