I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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