I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
