I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
