Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
