You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize