well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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