About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
