i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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