seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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