My pussy is not your playground.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
