I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
