im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
