May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize