Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
