never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
How many fucks given?
0.12846
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My apartment stinks of burning failure
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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