What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize