I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
