this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
