First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
