we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
