Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Randomize
