True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
