I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
