I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize