So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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