if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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