I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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