you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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