well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
