I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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