You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
