shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
