***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
