Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I got inside last night via doggy door
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
